To Sit in the Stillness

I force my my heavy legs over the side of the tousled blankets before I even pry the lids of my eyes open. Resenting her cries that pull me from the warmth of my freshly cleaned sheets, I make my way to the next room where our newest addition to the family sings with need for her mama.

“I just fed you,” my foggy mind recalls. It’s five AM, and it feels like I haven’t gotten any depth of sleep as it is.

Little coughs in between squeaky breaths tell me she’s struggling some for air. I gently give her relief, and nourish her with milk to sustain and calm her. It’s then that I thank Jesus.

Thank you for the unwelcomed alarm this morning.

Growing in energy, I make my way down the nearly hundred-year-old, creaking stairs for coffee.

As I settle now into my upstairs room full of windows, the sun discreetly begins to light the sky; slipping up over the horizon not visible from where I’ve cozied in. I open one of the many windows and listen. As the coffee slides down my throat, warming my insides, I hear the whole world alive. A woodpecker searches for bugs beneath the solid bark of a tree; playful squirrels jump from one lazy limb to another; birds of all kinds sing not from the air, but from the comfort of their nests, waking to the beauty of the morning dew and the hidden sun, who, yet unseen, gives light to the earth and awakens life among the trees.

Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. –Psalm 143:8

It feels like months since I’ve had space—space of any kind, really, to breathe. To really breathe in deeply the beauty that is this life. Caught up in a haze of changing diapers, waking cries, milky comas, and newborn snuggles, along with the two-year-old squeals of excitement, tears of defiance, and potty accidents as we train, my life is far from quiet. My house feels far from spacious, far from clean, far from slow-moving. It is in this blur of days, difficult to separate one from the other, that I feel as though I begin to lose parts of myself at the very same time that I begin to discover parts of myself.

Amidst my impatience, my quickness to anger, and my insecurities; I also find myself unearthing my depth of need, my quest for truth, and my passion for words.

There have been many seasons of life where I’ve felt lost—unsure of the next step before me, but just for now, for the first time in a long time, I feel like I’m believing that God believes in me. Have you ever seen those ferns that curl up when they’re touched, and open when there’s stillness? I feel like I’m opening in the stillness—my heart longing for the freshness of morning air, the scalding heat of coffee from the pot, and the love that cannot—will not fail despite my failures.

He believes in me. Sure, that, but more—He lives in me. I am a temple of His holiness, and just as the birds awake with the warmth of the sun, so my heart awakens with the delight of my Father. Here’s to the start of a new journey—one that’s been asleep beneath the tangled blankets, awaiting a surprise morning wakeup.

  • Jayann Jackson July 11, 2016 at 11:50 am

    I was just thinking last night, that you should be a writer. And said to myself maybe when the kids get older. She is way too busy. I am so looking forward to your postings. I have only known a few people that I honestly felt God was working through them to get his word out. And you are one of them.

  • Marilyn Hohulin July 11, 2016 at 12:19 pm

    You have a beautiful way with words. Thanks for sharing your inner thoughts. I think every mom feels like you do when their children are young and need you at all hours of the night and day and you never feel rested for days or weeks on end. But you’re doing a fantastic mom and your kids are so blessed to be loved by you and Gabe.
    Keep going to your Father for strength!
    Love, Marilyn

  • Janell July 11, 2016 at 12:51 pm

    “The love that cannot- will not fail despite my failures.” Love you friend.

  • Emily July 11, 2016 at 2:12 pm

    Oh gosh. How beautiful.

  • Jaci Zobel July 11, 2016 at 3:49 pm

    This was such a pleasant read! I am experiencing a lot of the same things so it is helpful to see it in words, it makes me feel like I’m not alone. I also appreciate your love for Jesus, I know Him but am trying to find a way to build a deeper relationship with him and your posts let me know it’s possible.

  • Ashley July 11, 2016 at 3:57 pm

    Thank you for sharing your heart! Looking forward to more.

  • Graceann July 12, 2016 at 3:40 am

    The Lord has blessed you with an amazing gift to be able to communicate the way you do. I feel like I’m sitting right there next to you and can hear the creak of your 100 year old stairs. Your vulnerability and rawness is refreshing and I’m blessed to have you as a friend. I love you!